Decisions and Guilt
by dellio
Summary: A story of secrets, lies, truth and consequences. I really suck at this summary thing
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: own nothing know nothing earn nothing

_Ok, I have been a member/reader of this site for a while now but have never really felt the push to post anything. I was content in reading all the great stories out there. But recently I came up with an idea and thought it might be worth trying to horribly embarrass myself by writing something and putting it out there for anyone to read. So here is a story I wrote a few months ago. It is not quite finished yet. I leave the crititism and feedback up to you. I will post the rest of it reguardless of reviews (unless it is really horrible) please tell me if it is really horrible._

_Anyway here it goes. _

**Dealing**

**1.**

She pulled back the curtains and looked outside, the sun had just gone down and a dark shadow was beginning to spread its way across the sky.

She stayed there for a moment thinking about what she had done. She felt guilty, terribly guilty but each time she played the scenario over in her mind she couldn't think of any other way it could have ended.

She knew her guilt was a way for her mind and soul to deal with what she had been forced to do, but it didn't take away the overwhelming feeling of sadness that spread through her.

She stepped away from the window and sighed, she needed to do something, anything to take her mind of the recent events. She needed some comfort, and what better than comfort food. Knowing there was nothing in her flat she went to the kitchen bench picked up her car keys and bag and headed downstairs.

She badly needed a donut.

_Oh yeah I forgot to mention that the first chapter is short but the rest area bit longer._

_Thanks_


	2. Chapter 2

_So what do you think? _

2. Getting Free

She got about three feet from her car when she felt a familiar tingle rise at the back of her neck. She stopped but didn't turn around; she wasn't ready to face him, not yet. She hadnt even processed things in her own mind. The last thing she wanted to do was explain how she was feeling to somebody else. She felt him move up behind her and place his hand at the base of her skull. She moved away at the contact and finally turned to face him. If he was hurt by her reaction his face didn't show it.

She looked at him for a moment; he looked the same as he had just four hours ago perhaps a little more tired. She felt like she should say something, anything but the words refused to form in her mind. All she wanted was a donut, and it seemed the world was trying to stop her from getting one. She smiled at the thought, _was this payback_, was her punishment for what she had done to never eat another donut. Her smile quickly faded as the memories rushed over her again.

_Damn it_ why did every thing have to remind her?

She looked back up at the man in front of her trying to guess what she was thinking, but as usual his face was an unreadable mask. She sighed again and felt an unusual crankiness come over her. If he came here to see her why was he doing the silent thing? There was no way she was going to talk first, not this time. Probably not ever again. She didn't trust herself to say the right thing. She moved another step back and waited.

He gave her a long look as if trying to determine what to do next. He took a step in her direction but paused when she moved back. She didn't even realise she had done it. He looked at her face again his eyes now questioning. She meet his gaze and felt her stomach churn, tears began to prick at the back of her eyes and she felt the guilt smack her in the gut all over again. She held his gaze for a moment longer trying to determine what he was feeling, looking for something anything that might ease the guilt. But nothing could do that for her, she needed to face it on her own.

She dropped her gaze to the ground in front of her and tried to will the tears to go away. After a moment or two she felt she had them under control. She looked back up to find him looking at her with concern. She knew she had to say something to break this incredibly uncomfortable silence. She figured out he was waiting for her to make the first move. For the fist time in their friendship he was going to follow her lead. But she felt no satisfaction at the fact. Just a deep forbiding dread. What could she say; sorry wasn't going to cut it. There was no apology or explanation she could make that was going to make it go away. She looked back up and met his gaze. She forced herself to hold it and without wavering she forced herself to form the words in her mind. Without realizing the tears that were now streaming down her face she uttered the words that she knew weren't going to be enough.

'I'm sorry Ranger,… I am so sorry' her voice broke and she gave into the tears and let herself cry. She fell to the ground giving in to the grief and guilt that tore at her insides. To her surprise she never met the conctrete; strong arms caught her and held her firmly as her she cried from the depths of her soul.


	3. Chapter 3

**3. Breaking things down to build them up again**

She let herself cry for a few moments, letting her body release some of the tension that had been built up over the past few weeks. She barely noticed the strong arms that were wrapped firmly around her or the hand that was gently running up and down her back in an attempt to soothe her. Slowly she registered what was happening, this wasn't right, he shouldn't be comforting her. She pulled back against the arms that were holding her and tried to get free. He just tightened his hold and remained still, she felt a slight panic begin to well up inside her.

This was wrong, she needed to get free, she needed to get some space between them. Being this close to him almost made everything seem ok, like there was nothing in the world that could touch her when she was with him like this. But she no longer deserved his comfort, his help or his protection. Everything that had transpired in the last twelve hours had proved that thought. She pushed against his arm again using her weight to give him the hint that she needed to get free.

This time he complied.

She knew the second he let her go and she felt a wave of coldness sweep over her, she protectivley wrapped her arms around herself in an effort to hold together what was left of her control.

She forced herself to look at him again. He was watching her, his expression unreadable. She didn't know what to do or what to say. She felt like she needed to explain what happened. But everytime the thoughts started to form words in her head it just sounded wrong. He deserved better, he deserved to hear the truth, but she was terrified to tell it. She dreaded how he would react once he knew the full extent of what happened. She dreaded what he would think of her and how it would change how he felt about her. But most of all she was terrified that he would walk away from her and out of her life. The truth was she needed him right now more than ever before in her life and it was this time that he was so far out of her reach.

She pulled her thoughts back together and tried to focus again, she felt tired so tired. She looked down at the car keys in her hand then back at the man standing in front of her. The donut she had wanted before seemed so far away. Thinking for a moment she came to a decision. She looked back up at Ranger and tried to keep a neutral expression on her face as she mentally prepared herself for what she was about to do.

'We need to talk' was all she could manage.

Ranger studied her face for long moment and then nodded. She noticed he still hadnt spoken a word to her. Again she felt the guilt begin to grab a hold of her emotions, determined to do this she pushed it away for the time being and faced the task at hand.

'Is my apartment ok' she asked in an almost whisper

Ranger nodded

Silently they headed up to her apartment; she decided to take the stairs needing the time to get her feelings and thoughts under control. Ranger walked beside her but made no further attempts to touch her. She was releived and sad at the same time. In a way she wanted him to comfort her, but on the other hand it just increased her guilt.

She made her way to the door and unlocked it and stepped inside. She made her way to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. She took a moment to let it settle before she turned around and found Ranger watching her intently. For the first time since he met her in the carpark he spoke.

'You don't have to do this now' his voice was soft there was nothing but concern in his tone.

She gave him a quick shake of her head 'yes I do'

He took a tiny step towards her 'Babe, you need rest'

She looked at him sharply and began to grip the glass tightly, she fought back the urge to cry again. Why was he being so nice to her? Her conscience screamed at her to make him stop, she almost wished for a second that he was mad at her. But she pushed that thought away quickly, that would make it easier for her if he stayed away and right now she didn't want easy she wanted to tell him she wanted to face what she had done.

She looked up and locked her gaze on his 'Rest can come later, right now you need to know what happened'

Ranger gave her a slight nod and led the way back into the lounge room and sat down. Too anxouis to sit she remained standing a little to the left but in front of him. She didn't know where to begin, how to explain the events that led up to her actions tonight. How to explain why she had no choice but to kill Ranger's brother.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

She paced the room back and forth in front of Ranger, not really sure where to begin or how to articulate the wave of emotions and thoughts that were running through her right now. She continued to pace, every now and then stopping to start then finding that no words would come out and her throat would close over to the point it hurt to take a breath. Ranger just watched her quietly and waited.

Forcing herself to be strong and for once not bury her head into the land of denial she stopped pacing and turned to look at Ranger, She took a step towards him then stopped herself. She couldn't get close to him, she need clarity of thought. She took a few steps back till she was pressing against her kitchen bench and paused. Ranger watched her with a slightly pained look on his face. She didn't know if it was because he was bracing himself for what he was about to hear or if it was out of concern for her.

She finally found the strength to begin.

"it all started a about a month ago, I had just paid up on the decooch deal and we had just… well you know and you sent me back to be with Morelli, I was angry and hurt and just plain confused. I did as I was told I went back to him but it wasn't the same' she paused and took a breath finding a place to focus her line if sight on so she would get this out, she found a slight water mark on the wall behind ranger "when I looked at him, my heart didn't flutter, when he touched me, I didn't feel weak at the knees or excited to see him, something changed in the way I felt about him during that whole dechooch debacle and when I went back after….us… I just couldn't do it anymore'

"Babe' ranger began but Stephanie held up her and silenced him

"no ranger , I need to get this out, I'm not saying that what happened between us was the cause of what happened today, im just trying to explain for me, where it began'

Ranger nodded and moved to lean against the wall waiting for her to continue.

She sighed and took a deep calming breath "it went like this'…..

Four weeks earlier

'Cupcake, come here' Joe said in his sexy voice

Stephanie moved out of his reach as a flash of irritation ran through her and her hairs began to stand on end in frustration "No Joe I want to talk'

Joe smiled at her and moved towards her again in an attempt to lull her into the bedroom, she pushed him away and something inside her snapped.

"just listen to me for once' she said and an angry tone: I'm trying to talk to you and all you want to do is molest me'

Joe took a step back and looked a little shocked "what gotten into you?, first you have been avoiding me all week and now when we both finally have some time off together you don't want to do anything, what's going on steph'

Stephanie new she wasn't being fair to Morelli, that on any other occasion in the past he had used the exact same moves and she had happily gone along with his routine and allowed him to take her into the bedroom and have his way with her and it had been what she had wanted as well. But ever since ranger had cashed in on the decooch deal and they had spent the night together things had changed. Every time Joe touched her she was wracked with emotions, she had flashes of her night with ranger, which would trigger her guilt, which would trigger her disgust with herself and then lead her right back to her hurt when ranger told her there was nothing between them and the cycle would go on. She had been taking these feelings out on Joe and it just wasn't fair to him.

She took a deep breath that turned into a sigh and say down on Joes couch "Joe, I can't do this anymore'

Joe looked at her for a full minute before he responded, he took in her demeanour and how she had been acting lately and realised for the first time that something was really bothering her "what's going on steph, you haven't been yourself lately'

Stephanie looked up at him and shook her head "I can't be with you anymore, somewhere somehow, my feelings have changed, I care about you I really do, but I don't think I love you the way you want me to'

Joe sighed and sat down next to her "I know, I know you have tried to, and a part of you even does want the same things I want, but a larger more adventurous side of you wants more'

Stephanie looked at him her heart beating fast and her pams sweating in shock "you know, but you never said anything' she felt the guilt begin to take over her again "you never indicated that you knew I was having doubts about us'

Joe smiled softly at her "because like you I didn't want to face it steph, and a larger part of me wanted you to come round and give in to the part of you that wants to burg life. But seeing you this past week, something has really changed I don't know what, but I can't pretend any more when you walk around like someone kicked your puppy'

Steph felt slightly relieved "thank you, for not making this difficult on me'

Joe nodded "I know you are have it tough right now, but I want you to know you can talk to me about what's bothering you, even though we may not be together, I will always be here in your life and something else is going on with you'

Stephanie shook her head "no its ok, I just want to forget about it'

Joe reached out and took her hand but she snapped it away, a flash of hurt crossed his face but it left just as quickly "Stepjh, I have to ask, is this about ranger, and did something happen with you two?'

Stephanie felt herself immediately stiffen and stood up "I don't want to talk about it'

Joe stood up with her and grabbed her arm "steph did he hurt you'

Stephanie felt the hurt flood through her and scoffed "not in the way you are thinking, no'

Joe looked confused "what do you mean'

Stephanie pulled her arm out of his grasp "I mean he didn't hurt me physically'

Joe frowned "then how'

Stephanie felt all the energy drain out of her and noticed the cycle was starting again, guilt, disgust, hurt, deflation. She turned back to Joe "we slept together in out off period , he came over and I …we…you know and then the next day he said it didn't mean anything… it hurt and I just … really don't want to talk about it'

Joe's jaw clenched "I was afraid of this happening'

Stephanie looked at him confused "what do you mean'

Joe released some of his anger and focused on Stephanie "I always feared he would get to you, I always knew you were attracted to him steph but I was afraid your feelings would get involved and with you once that happens, your just a target waiting to be shot down, and for someone like ranger, he will aim for the bullseye to keep you out of his own emotions'

Steph nodded "that's pretty much the story'

Joe took her hand again and pulled her into a hug "don't get me wrong, this, us ending hurts more than I will let on right now, but if you need me, anytime please call me, and try to stay away from ranger, at least away from him in the bedroom, protect yourself Steph he doesn't function the way we do, he's different'

Stephanie nodded and allowed herself to be hugged, after a few moments she pulled away and took a step back from Joe "thank you, for everything'

Joe nodded and watched her walk out of his house, out of his life and out of his heart, at least in the capacity he had come to know.

Stephanie headed home from Joes house and took a shower, she was angry at herself but also relieved she had finally got the courage to face what she was feeling on some level. She tuned the shower on, did her thing and got out and towelled herself off. When she made it back into her bedroom she felt a familiar tingle on the back if her neck and looked around to see ranger lurking by her bed, the anger came flooding back.

"What are you doing here ranger' she snapped and made her way to her closet

Ranger had his usual blank face in place "need you to do some work for me'

Stephanie felt herself prickle "sorry not interested, go ask someone else'

If she was honest with herself, Stephanie knew she wanted to nothing more than to work with ranger again and re-establish their friendship that had been in tatters for the last week, but the hurt self preserving side of her couldn't let that happen at the moment, the hurt was too fresh and the cut too deep.

'Babe' he said in his usual tone that she took to mean 'explain'

She turned her back on him and stated to get changed behind her closet door, once she was changed she turned back to face him. "I don't want to work with your or for you at the moment, so if you don't mind please leave'

Ranger took a step towards her and smirked slightly "babe, if this about the other week, about the deal...'

Stephanie was angry again "you know what, it doesn't matter what it's about, I don't want to work for you so please leave me alone'

Ranger closed the distance between them and place his hands softly on her shoulders 'babe I'm sorry, but it's the way things are, I should never have made the deal, for that I'm sorry'

Stephanie felt the rejection and hurt seep into her stomach and a nauseas feeling came over her, she pulled away from Ranger "I can't… I'm sorry but I can't, I don't want to work with you I need some time'

Ranger let her pull away, but also saw his opportunity to get her to come around to working for him "it's not with me babe, it's for range man but you would be working with our new recruit and binkie'

Steph felt herself give in a little "what's the job'

Ranger smiled glad that she hadn't completely shut him off "its just a security job, but we need a woman on the job to help run interference when needed, like what you do on distractions but in a few different locations and less high risk, you need to distract some men so Range man can slip in and out unnoticed'

Stephanie nodded 'and the pay'

Ranger sighed "same as usual but will be by the hour and a bonus at the end for the job completed'

She pondered, she could really use the money to finally get ahead In all her ills and rent, as she wouldn't be directly working with ranger she decided it would be fine to do it , couldn't be that bad 'Fine ill do it, who is the new recruit' she asked curious

Ranger smiled "my brother Marcus'


End file.
